FUNNY CHICK SCRATCH

The Last Laugh

With much thought and consideration, I've decided to close the doors here at the Scratch. It has been a great writing work out and I certainly got to scratch an itch, but for now I am ready to move on. I may decide to come back in a new form, or I may not. For now I'm going to enjoy that life I see just beyond my computer monitor, hope to see you there. ~nita

The Jerk Store Called and They're All Out of You

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes is the one where George attempts to craft a comeback to an insult someone made at his expense. In typical George fashion, he obsesses over his comeback, finally decides on the "perfect one", and then, days later, has to get the person to insult him again so he can use his line to zing back. Of course he fails miserably.

As any comedian will tell you, timing is everything. We've all had that spontaneous "magic in the moment" response work perfectly on stage, then try and recreate it again with a different audience only to watch the premise go down in flames.

But sometimes we are blessed with the perfect comeback at the exact moment we need it, only it takes days (or in my case years) to realize just how clever the comeback was.

In high school I was a fairly shy quiet kid who was also notoriously short for my age. This often prompted kids to come over and rest their arm on my head. (Which annoyed me more so because it was trite.) One repeat offender of this move was a girl named Aileen. Aileen was a year older me, and when she wasn't hanging out with the cool kids, she and I would often ride the same bus.

One day, Aileen came up and rested her arm on my head as she said,
"How's the weather down their shrimp?"
To which I replied, without a lot of thought,
"How's the weather up there tuna?"

Now, in my defense, I really was that naive and did not to know how insulting my comeback was. Aileen, however, not so much. (She immediately huffed off, and never spoke to me again.) In hindsight, I think someone may have called her that before...she was a tad defensive. 

Sorry Aileen. I hope you will allow this clip to make up for the fact that I hadn't fully grown into my comedic powers yet.

What Comes with Age Goes With Age

I have gotten to the age where I sometimes need to call myself in the middle of the day to remind myself of things I don't want to forget. I will often get home and hear a message that says something like: "Hi its me, I just wanted to remind you that you are running low on toilet paper." The problem is, as I get older I sound more and more like my mother on the phone, so I hear the message and immediately think it's her.

My first response is to be a little freaked out that my mom would even know this very personal detail. "I do need toilet paper." I admit to myself. "How does she know?"

Then, as I slowly contemplate the magnitude of her telepathic reach, I start to get angry. How dare she call me to tell me I am out of toliet paper. I am a grown woman, I don't need her to tell me when to buy toilet paper. I can handle going potty by myself...well sort of. Damn it.